dalawang linggo lang ang nakalipas, nagpunta ako sa baguio para gawin ang isang trabaho. isa sa mga matalik kong kaibigan ang nakatira na dun, iniwan ang maynila para manirahan na sa kinalakhang lugar. dahil trabaho ang pinunta ko sa baguio, wala akong magawa kundi isingit lang sa napaka-hectic kong schedule ang oras ng aming pagkikita.

isang malamig at umuulan na gabi, matapos hindi matuloy ang shoot namin kasama ang ilang mga case studies, nagdesisyon akong puntahan ang kaibigan ko. halos kalahating oras rin akong nagpa-ikot-ikot sa mga kalye ng QM bago ko narating iyung bahay niya.

ayun, natuwa ako nung nagkita kami. pumayat na si "bro," habang ako, patuloy na tumatabantsintsing. "bro" kasi tawagan namin sa simbahan. cell leader ko itong kaibigan ko, ibig sabihin, counselor, tagapayo, tagapangalaga sa ispiritwal kong kalagayan.

usap kami tungkol sa buhay-buhay namin. siya, malapit nang grumadweyt (aba'y dapat lang, mas matanda siya sa akin, eh 6 years na akong graduate), kakasakit lang niya ng trangkaso kaya siya pumayat (magpapasakit din ako ng trangkaso para mabawasan taba ko). ako naman, ayun, tuloy sa trabaho. tuloy sa pananaba.

pero isang balita ang bumulaga sa akin. napag-usapan namin ang dati naming simbahan, kung nakabibisita pa ako doon. sa gitna ng aming usapan, nabanggit niya ang mga salitang ito:

"actually, nami-miss ko na rin sila. lalo si ate Lor. mula ng mamatay iyun..."

"teka, ano sinabi mo?" sambit ko.

"ha bro? hindi mo alam? namatay siya two years ago. nagkasakit siya, tapos hindi nagpagamot."

katahimikan. tila ba isang malaking bato ang ipinasak sa bibig ko at hindi na akong nakapagsalita sa sobrang pagkabigla.

si ate Lor, ang ate ng bayan sa aming church. masayahin, palangiti, palaging nagti-text sa akin noon. turing niya sa akin mas batang kapatid, at linggo-linggo, 'di niya nakakalimutang sabihing "love you bro!" sa akin.

pero mula ng iwan ko iyung simbahan namin, 'di na ako nagkaroon ng tsansang makausap pa siya o makita man lang. at ngayon ko lang nalaman, matapos ang dalawang taon, patay na pala ang isa sa mga ate ko sa simbahan. take note, isa sa mga pinaka-close kong kaibigan sa simbahan.

wow, pare. hanep sa gatbi ng ta-balits. si ate Lor, ang ate ko, patay na. ate ko iyun. ate Lor ko iyun. patay na.

naiyak ako sa harap ni bespren bro. animo'y isinakay ako sa roller coaster ng dalawampung beses, non-stop, parang ice cream, at inihagis sa kumukulong tae sa narinig. naalala ko pa, may anak siya. kumusta na kaya iyung bata?

now it's confirmed. apathetic ako sa mundo, sa mga taong nakapaligid sa akin. wala akong pakialam sa buhay nila, sa buhay nyo, sa buhay ko. ang pakshet no?

kaya favor naman, sa mga taong kilala, kakilala, makikilala ko pa, mga kaibigan, kabalitaan, katawanan, kaiyakan, kakwentuhan, o sinumang nagkaroon ng kuneksyon sa buhay ko sa anumang paraan, magtext naman kayo, o kaya email man lang, kapag mamamatay na kayo. walang biglaan. ako rin, ganun gagawin ko.

pasensya na kung masyadong istorbo ang hinihingi ko. masyado na kasi akong apathetic sa mundo.

buwan na lang ang binibilang ko bago ko isakatuparan ang plano ko para sa buhay ko sa susunod na taon.

nakalista sa ibaba ang ilan sa mga bagay na gusto kong gawin sa buhay ko, at malamang, kahit na isa diyan sa mga iyan eh magawa ko sa isang taon:

1. gumawa ng pelikula (short o full-length, basta sasali ako sa cinemalaya, kung kailan, di ko pa alam,pero sana ASAP)

2. mag-aral abroad (new zealand, london, singapore, UP, saan man, gusto ko na talagang mag-aral)

3. bumili ng condo (heto pinag-iipunan na. ang mga karaketan, dito mapupunta)

4. o di naman kaya'y kotse (mas madali bilhin ito, may pang-down na ako)

5. magsulat ng iskrip pampelikula (ito muna siyempre bago iyung nakasulat sa number one. actually, imbes na magsulat ako rito sa blog na ito, eh dapat ginagamit ko iyung oras na ito para magsimula sa script ko, pakshet ambobo)

6. gumawa ng dokumentaryo (iyung pang-sine, hindi pang-TV. dami ko na kasing nagawa para sa telebisyon)

7. magbakasyon (heto ang di ko magawa-gawa. ang bakasyon na nagkaroon ako, iyung talagang matagalan, eh nung maoperahan ako sa appendix)

8. sumali sa palanca (at manalo sa palanca, iyung screenplay division)

9. at ang huli, muling ma-inlab (tagal na nung huli akong makarit ni kupido. kolehiyo pa ko nun. wala na kong makitang singganda ng kras ko dati)

basta next year, may nararamdaman akong malaking pagbabago sa buhay ko. di ko alam kung ano, pero may desisyon akong gagawin na magbabago sa landas na tinatahak ko ngayon.

hay. excited ako at natatakot. bahala na si batman kung anuman ang kahihinatnan ng buhay ko sa isang taon.

if you're living a normal life. a life that doesn't have a horrible past. a life that is free from guilt and pain. a life that is "normal."

i've been reading through everyone's secrets lately, and I feel really bad by the fact that there are people out there, from all over the world, who are like me. People who either have been abused, addicted, hurt, or lived (and are still living) double lives. People like me who go through the same struggles everyday of their seemingly miserable lives and in the end, suffer agonizing defeats.

I've posted my own experience in the website, thinking that it would help me to just get on with living and surviving. But it is not easy. It is freakin', fuckin' difficult to even live a day.

I want to believe that there is a God who will fight for me when I finally succumb to my life's inner wars. I want to believe that no matter what I go through, whatever it is that I do with my life, God will still accept me and welcome me in His "ever-loving" arms.

But believing has its limitations. And sometimes, it can even end. There comes a time in one's life when even the act of believing becomes too tiring, and the exhaustion eats up one's being at a pace no one could ever measure.

I think I am at that stage right now. I am at the verge of giving up. I am at the ends of my own beliefs.

if you're living a "normal" life, good for you. I am sincerely happy for you. Your life can be used to glorify your God, whoever He is to you.

As for me and my life, I will just have to move on. Believing that I can recover from my deep slump is too far from realization. I wish the "others" in the website aren't in the same boat like me.

********************************************************************

A few weeks ago, I had the chance to chat with a college friend. I texted her on her birthday, and she thanked me for being one of the only two college friends who remembered her birthday. I told her I would never forget it, because she was a big part of my life.

I also wanted to tell her what I was currently experiencing, but I stopped myself from doing it.I just told her I would have chatted with her longer, but I did not want to destroy her birthday. I wanted her  to enjoy her day, much more her life. I do not want to be a disturbance. I am not going to be one's burden.again.

But a few days after, she texted me and asked me how I was. She said her birthday was over, and I could tell her whatever it is that bothers me.

I didn't tell her the details of my struggles, but she understood. And she just told me "I won't tell you what you already know. I will just pray for you everyday."

I thanked her for the prayers. and I believe that she's doing it, she's praying for me. I am not sure though if I still believe that her prayers are going to work.

FYI, I didn't write this to ask for your help. Prayers? yes, maybe. but help, NO. no one can help me now. I leave it to the intangibles to take me out of this situation.

kagagaling ko lang ng cebu para umatend ng kasal ng aking cameraman. (try ko mag-post ng pictures nung kasal next time. may problema ang installation ng nokia dito sa lintek kong computer).

ayun, ayos naman. masaya. ngayon lang ako nakapag-out of town sa visayas ng walang anumang iniisip na trabaho. nag-swimming, nag-shopping, at nag-ikot-ikot sa cebu. iyun ang pinaggagawa ko kasama ang ilang mga kapuso natin sa trabaho.

medyo pagod na ko. bukas magsusulat ulit ako. yoko magkwento, wala ako sa mood. siya magandang gabi na muna.

galing kay stef:

How do you like your eggs? haha. kakatawa ito. how do i like my eggs? very much, thank you. hehe. iskrambol. na pwede mong lagyan ng gatas o igisa kasama ng kamatis.

How do you take your coffee/tea? kape, with milk and sugar. tea, with milk and honey. naks, british ito?

Favorite breakfast food? tocilog. tsaka kweyker owts.

Peanut butter: smooth or crunchy? isama mo siya sa kare-kare, iyun magugustuhan ko siya. pero peanuut butter, eeewww!

What kind of dressing on your salad? Olive oil with balsamic vinegar and salt and freshly ground pepper. maybe with a dash of sesame oil. - sulat ito ni stef. pero ganito rin gusto ko. tsaka caesar's or thousand island.

Coke or Pepsi? coca cola.

You're feeling lazy. What do you make? pasta. putanesca or pesto. tapos sasamahan ko ng banana milkshake or strawberry milkshake. mahilig ako magluto, gusto ko nga maging chef eh. tinatamad pa ko niyang lagay na iyan.

You're feeling really lazy. What kind of pizza do you order? seafood pizza. iyung sa yellow cab, iyung may shrimp and garlic.

You feel like cooking. What do you make? pasta nga. kulet.

Do any foods bring back good memories? steak (canada and australia->pasosyal), chicken rice from heaven and eggs (singapore), marami na akong napuntahan at nakainan kaya hello, mahirap kung isusulat ko pa siya rito.

Do any foods bring back bad memories? oo. pero sus, anuba, kumakain ka, tapos mag-iisip ka ng bad memories?!? enjoy your food dammit!

Do any foods remind you of someone? JUST ENJOY YOUR FREAKING FOOD!

Is there a food you refuse to eat? yoko ng mga kadiri looking. sosyal ako eh.

What was your favorite food as a child? kare-kare ng nanay ko talaga.tsaka champorado.

Is there a food that you hated as a child but now love? vegetables din.

Is there a food that you loved as a child but now hate? wala akong maisip. ang haba na nito lintek.

Favorite fruit & vegetable: brocolli, young corn, chico, avocado, grapes, longgans, kangkong, nu pa ba? madami eh.

Favorite junk food: cakes. sweets. pastries. potato chips.

Favorite between meal snack: hmm, kahit ano actually.

Do you have any weird food habits: wala.

You're on a diet. What food(s) do you fill up on? no rice. no pork. no beef. iyun lang.

How spicy do you order Indian/Thai? bicolano tatay ko, pero di ako mahilig sa maanghang.

Can I get you a drink? yes, thank you.

ay sasagot ba ng klase ng iinumin? hehe. tequila. vodka. margarita.

Red wine or white? white. di ako umiinom actually. kapag nasa party lang, eh inuman, la namang magpaka-killjoy ka.

We only have beer: good for you. i don't drink beer.

Favorite dessert? leche flan.

The perfect nightcap? iyung tumatakip sa buong ulo mo para di magulo buhok mo.

Kung hindi mo alam kung ano ang dapat mong gawin sa buhay mo, pumunta ka sa figaro,  gloria jeans, o kaya starbucks, tapos magpakalasing ka sa kape, at isipin mo buong araw kung ano ang kahihinatnan ng buhay mo kung araw-araw kang pupunta sa mga coffee shops na ito at magpapakalango sa nerbyos.

O di kaya naman, para mas madali, pwede ka ring magdasal. Kung wala kang Diyos, at atheist ka, well, luhuran mo kung sino ang gusto mong luhuran. Kung agnostic ka naman, eh di patuloy mong dedmahin ang relihiyon at magpakasasa ka sa kung ano man ang pinaniniwalaan mo. At kung ikaw naman ay may Diyos, eh di pumunta ka na sa simbahan o sa kung saan mang lugar na makakapagpasaya sa iyo at makiusap ka sa Diyos.

Kung gusto mo naman, para talagang simple. punta ka sa banyo, at itae mo na lang iyang mga profound thoughts mo tungkol sa buhay mo. sabi nga di ba, "ang pagtae ang isa sa pinakamasarap na bagay na nararanasan ng tao."

so, ano nang gagawin mo?

"umihip tulad ng hangin... umihip tulad ng hangin..."

go away. i don't need you. not anymore. shoo.

I DO NOT NEED YOU. GO AWAY. FAR FROM ME. AWAY WITH YOU. SCRAM. BUGGER OFF.

there. finally, I said it.

I hope you get what I mean.

just finished watching the devil wears prada.

extravagant and pretty clothes, not to mention the beautiful actors. it was a funny film, yet also nostalgic to people like me whose lives won't run without a dose of stress from their uber-demanding jobs.

i've worked with devils from hell (uhm, hell means work) before, like the Miranda that the movie showed (through Meryl Streep's fine portrayal). Demanding as they were, I also always managed to come up with seemingly good outputs to satisfy their standards (very high tastes, thank you very much). But the high demands that my former bosses have laid down for us (including my colleagues) have made us into what we are now: Devils that wear Prada. hehe. Kidding aside, their demands before has molded us into people with high ethical standards, thus maintaining the moral status of our positions in the industry.

I am proud to have gone under very demanding people. I have learned a lot in the trade through them, and I value (with high regard) the things that they have bestowed upon us. Without their guidance, I wouldn't have reached the position that I hold today, and I wouldn't be as good as I am right now if it weren't for their uber-demanding training.

That's why I don't think that bosses (even the most demanding and ruthless ones) should be called devils, but more of guardians. Yes, they may have changed me and my attitude towards life, but hey, they didn't force me to follow their footsteps, nor push into my face whatever things they believed in. They just showed me different tricks of the trade. It was up to me whether i would accept it or not. What I am right now is of my own doing. They just helped (or even corrupted, lol) me reach the person that I am right now.

However, unlike the Miranda that Meryl has portrayed, my bosses never stepped on other people's fate (well, some of them did, but some didn't), and they taught (and are still continuing to teach) me the ethics that my industry currently follows and yes, respects.

At first, I thought this entry was gonna be more of a hate entry, but I was surprised myself to see what I wrote here.I have appreciated and seen the other side of being a "devil" in the workplace. Sky-scraping demands have its own benefits and flaws, you just have to screen through things, and choose what you take in the course of your lifetime.

I thank God because I have gone through what I went through. My work has definitely changed me. It contributed a lot (both positive and negative) in what I am right now. But it was always up to me to choose what to take for eternal use and what to dispose and throw in the trash bag. I am a mixture of all the things that all my bosses have showed me since the start of my career, may it be good, or bad. What is important is in each of them, i have learned and put into practice things that I thought I wasn't capable of doing (this is kinda vague, huh? yeah, its vague to me too.). What I am saying here is this: every devil's persona has an angel hiding beneath it (you just have to look for it thoroughly).

In the end, its still you who's gonna decide what to wear for work everyday in your entire life. I may have become the devil (I mean the boss) today, but what I wear is of my own choosing. Its up to you if you're gonna wear it too or if you're gonna go for your own style. As for me, I'm gonna mix and match, and see what works for me.

By the way, just to point it out, I don't wear Prada. I rarely wear designer brands. I wear what I want to wear. Its my body anyway.

So to all the devils in the workplace, (in Meryl Streep accent) that is all!

tinapos ko ang buong season ng project runway 2 kagabi hanggang kaninang umaga. nagsimula ako ng alas dose, at natapos ako ng alas otso. nakatulugan ko iyung episode 13 ng bandang alas sais y media, pero nagising ako matapos ang 30 minutes, siyempre, inulit ko na lang para wala akong malampasan.

i think the season 1 finalists are better designers than the season 2 finalists (except of course for wendy, the bitch from hell in season 1). during the olympus runway showdown, jay and kara saun were in a neck-to-neck battle because they really went beyond everybody's expectations.

pero dito sa season 2, nung pinakita na iyung collection ni daniel vosovic, chloe dao and santino rice, medyo napangiwi ako. kasi parang nag-expect ako ng tulad ng ginawa nila kara saun at jay, na may theme, pinag-isipan iyung flow ng mga damit. pero itong sa tatlong finalist ngayon, parang "okay, iyun na iyun."

but that doesn't mean hindi sila magaling.i was rooting for daniel, kasi during the pevious eps, humakot na talaga siya ng wins over the other semi-finalists. the range of his creativity is so broad na simpleng konsepto, napapaganda niya (di tulad ni santino na puro yabang, although i like his work too.)

anyway, chloe dao (a vietnamese(or laotian?) immgirant) won season 2. mabuti na lang asian siya kaya okay na rin na siya ang nagwagi. pero sa tingin ko, sa tingin ko lang naman, mas talented si daniel. cool pa niya manamit, ang 70's ng buhok tapos ang retro/preppy/funky ng dating niya. artist na artist ang aura.

anyway, may nanalo na. as if naman may magagawa pa ang pagra-rant ko rito eh tapos na iyung season. hinihintay ko na iyung season 3 nito. sana wagi rin iyung episodes and challenges. :)

aside from project runway, hinihintay ko na rin ang season 3 ng Lost. hay my golly, isa pa ito sa mga pupuyat sa akin sa mga susunod na buwan. kaya ko nai-stress eh. pati buhay ko outside work, puro puyatan.